Dear Reset: I’m Second-Guessing My Parenting

Dear Reset,

I’m a first-time mom. I like to think I’m on top of parenting … or at least doing my best. I pay attention. I care. I show up.

I know I’m not perfect, but my mother-in-law keeps making these little comments about my son that leave me second-guessing everything. Things like:

It’s not just once. It’s a steady drip of observations that sound helpful but leave me feeling like I’m failing. I start spiraling:

Sometimes her comments are just... wrong. Like the “he looks cold” thing — he was warm and happy. Other times, it’s based on one moment she’s blown out of proportion — like seeing our babysitter check her phone once and now calling her negligent. And then sometimes, she’s actually a little bit right. That’s the hardest part.

How do I tell the difference between helpful feedback and criticism? And how do I stop letting these comments rattle me?

— A Mom Who’s Trying

💛 Dear A Mom Who’s Trying

First: you're not just trying. You’re actually showing up with care and intention, and that matters more than you realize. And the fact that you’re even asking this question means your son already has the kind of mom he can count on.

Since your letter is about how to decipher these comments and how to stop second-guessing yourself in the process - that’s what I’ll focus on here.

There are really two parts:
1️⃣ How to tell the difference between genuine feedback and subtle power plays
2️⃣ How to protect your peace in the process

💬 The Real Message Behind the Words

When comments like these are continuous, they’re no longer just “observations.” They’re about control.

Your MIL may not be doing this consciously, but she’s likely learned over the years, through family dynamics, that subtle criticism keeps her central. It places her in the position of authority, allowing her to feel relevant and emotionally powerful.

When you start doubting yourself, you’re more likely to seek her validation, even unintentionally. That small shift keeps her role intact — and leaves you a little less grounded.

If the goal were truly support, it wouldn’t sound like a critique. And sometimes it wouldn’t need to be said at all.

Because if your son is warm, content, and well cared for … why mention it?

Support often looks like trusting the parent. Holding back the urge to correct. Or if something really does need to be said, it might sound like:

Simple. Respectful. Uplifting.

Instead, you’re hearing:

That’s not care. That’s judgment disguised as care. It’s not collaboration; it’s a reminder that she sees herself as the authority - and consciously or unconsciously - wants you to feel just a little bit behind.

True care doesn’t compete. It makes space.

🧭 And No — You’re Not “Too Sensitive”

Maybe you’ve heard it before:

But even if no one else sees it — you do. And that matters.

You deserve respect. You deserve support.

When comments are constant, they don’t build you up — they chip away at your confidence.

Whether you say something directly or not will depend on you and the situation. But here’s the truth: it isn’t right, and you don’t have to absorb it.

Which brings us back to your question: how do you process those comments especially when some of them might hold a little truth?

✅ How to Tell the Difference (and What To Do Next)

1. Notice how it feels
If a comment leaves you unsettled or doubting yourself, pause. That’s your first clue it may not be coming from care.

Noticing helps you move from reactive to observant — breaking the loop of doubt, guilt, or defensiveness before it takes hold.

2. Zoom out and check the bigger picture
Criticism (especially the subtle, family kind) works by pulling you into a tiny, exaggerated moment and making it feel like proof you’re doing everything wrong.

Zooming out reminds you: this is one small moment, not the whole story of you as a mom. It lets you take back your power to interpret what’s happening, so you can see the situation accurately again.

It stops the spiral from “Oh my god, maybe I’m missing something” to “No — I’m actually doing just fine.”

So:

• Messy face → prioritizing play and exploration, not evidence of neglect.

• Clothes a bit snug → maybe time to size up, not proof of carelessness.

• Babysitter checked her phone once → overall she’s attentive and trustworthy, not evidence of poor judgment.

3. Own your authority
Even when there’s a grain of truth, you still hold the power as the parent. You decide when a face gets wiped, when playtime continues, or when it’s time to size up. Unless it’s about safety or hygiene, most of these are parenting choices — not faults.

You’re allowed to do things your way — even if it’s different. That simple reminder turns down the power of her disapproval.

4. Protect your space
Critics often want to feel needed — for their advice, approval, or emotional smoothing.
You can kindly but firmly stop seeking their validation by:

• A neutral reply: “He’s doing great, thanks.”

• Changing the subject.

• Saying nothing at all.

• Internally: I don’t need to explain this.

• Or, if it’s repeated: “This is working for us.” (Then disengage.)

Over time, they’ll feel the hook isn’t landing — and the dynamic will start to lose power.

5. Release it
If the comment lingers, do something physical to clear it — a deep breath, shaking out your hands, or rinsing them under water. Sometimes your body needs the reset as much as your mind.

🌿 Reset Moment

A few small resets to remind you that you’re already enough:

🎨 Embrace Your Inner Child
Revisit something you loved as a kid — a song, a snack, a doodle. Let that younger version of you remind you that you’ve always been enough.

🪞 Mirror Moment
Look at yourself in the mirror and name one thing you’re proud of this week. Small or big, let it land.

💌 Connection Reset
Reach out to a friend and let them remind you how awesome you truly are. Sometimes the quickest antidote to criticism is a voice that actually sees you.

💭 Summary Thought

Criticism isn’t always about you — sometimes it’s about someone else trying to feel relevant or in control.

But comments like these only have power if they have a soft spot to land.
Strengthen your own center, and there’s nowhere for them to stick.

Your child chose you for a reason. You’re already exactly the parent they need.

Remember: Confidence is the antidote — not loud or forced, but quiet and steady. The kind that says: I trust myself.

See you next Sunday.
And remember — you can always start over.

💌 Forward this to a friend who might need to hear it today.

With you,
🫶 Bina

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