Dear Reset: My Friend Keeps Competing With Me

✉️ Dear Reset Theory,

I’m reaching out because I’m so frustrated with a friend of mine. It feels like she has to one-up everything I say or do.

It started when I signed our toddler up for swim class. I mentioned how much my kid was loving it, and she immediately told me about the one she found — “more structured, less chaotic, and taught by an actual Olympic-level swimmer.”

Then came the subtle jabs about how she manages her kids without any help from anyone — unlike us, where support from others has been a lifesaver.

Now we’re planning a vacation, and of course, she’s booking the same destination but at a “nicer” resort that’s “way more family-friendly” than ours (which is subjective).

I wouldn’t care if these were just one-off comments. But the pattern is becoming hard to ignore. I’m not competing with her — to each their own — but it all just feels so unnecessarily competitive.

She’s a friend from childhood, so we have a ton of memories, and she can be really great. But lately, being around her leaves me feeling tense and second-guessed… and I don’t know what to do with that.

— Not Trying to Compete

❤️ The Response

Dear Not Trying to Compete, 

Ugh. That’s so tough — especially when you have so many memories with someone and can see the best in them. It’s frustrating that you’re just trying to share your life normally, and she’s treating it like a scorecard.

A friend should be a soft place to land. So when you start feeling like you have to tiptoe around them, it chips away at your peace — slowly but surely.

I know we’ve been conditioned to believe relationships are all-or-nothing: either someone’s your best friend or you need to cut them off entirely. But real adult friendships? They’re layered. Especially the long ones. Especially with friends tied to our past selves.

Here’s what I’ve learned when a friendship starts to feel more like a minefield than a mirror:

💡 The Reset Shift: You’re Not Competing — But You Can Still Protect Your Peace

1. Start with an honest conversation.
I always think it’s worth approaching people directly — especially relationships with so much history and depth. You don’t need to be confrontational. Just clear.

Something like:
"Hey, I’ve been feeling a little weird lately … like sometimes when I share things, it turns into a comparison or competition, and I know that’s not your intention, but it’s been hard for me to feel relaxed when we talk."

If she meets that with curiosity or care, beautiful. That’s a relationship you can keep watering.
But if she gets defensive, dismissive, or turns it back on you? That’s also good information. It tells you what kind of emotional safety is — or isn’t — available here. That’s when a pivot might be better.

2. You don’t have to cut her off — just cut back how deeply you invite her in.
Not every friend gets to be your “go-to person.” If trying to connect just creates tension, stop offering them so much access.

That might look like:

• Avoiding topics that tend to trigger comparison

• Keeping your updates more “lite” and tailored

• Reaching out for laughs, not life talks

You’re not being fake. You’re being intentional with what you share.

3. Grieve the friendship you wish it could be.
Sometimes we stay hoping the friendship will grow into what it could be … if only they’d shift a little. But friendship, like any relationship, can be about acceptance.

And sometimes, acceptance looks like saying:
“I love what we had. And I still care. But I need to love you from a little further away now.”

4. You’re allowed to have nuanced relationships.
You don’t have to label her as toxic or cut her off entirely. You can simply re-categorize her: a “fun friend,” not a “heart friend.” A “text me memes” friend, not a “talk me through my spiral” friend.

This kind of boundary is quiet but powerful. And yes, it’s sad — especially when there’s history. But it’s also deeply freeing.

🔄 Reset Moment

📖 Journal Prompt
Where in my life am I expecting more emotional safety than someone is capable of giving right now?

🎧 On Repeat
“963 Hz - Return to Self” – Healing Vibrations
(For when you need to drop out of the mental noise and back into your body.)

🎀 Tiny Ritual
Make a list of 3 people who do make you feel safe, celebrated, and calm.
Text one of them. Let yourself feel the difference.

You’ve got this.
You’re not being petty — you’re being discerning.

And you deserve relationships that don’t make you shrink, flinch, or second-guess yourself.

🫶🏽 Bina

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