Dear Reset: My In-Laws Won’t Let Go of the Past

When the People You’ve Considered the Most… Don’t Consider You Back

✉️ Dear Reset Theory,
My husband and I started therapy recently after a painful experience with his side of the family. At my sister-in-law’s engagement party, my mother-in-law suddenly brought up years of grievances about our wedding—things that weren’t even our fault.

She blamed my family for a priest’s mistake, for not greeting their relatives properly, and even for not gifting one of their aunts (even though our planners were the ones distributing the favors). None of it was intentional, and yet it was all treated like a personal attack.

We’re both of Indian descent, and navigating these family expectations feels especially layered. We’ve always gone out of our way to accommodate them. We even planned a West Coast wedding (husband’s family is based there) — at great inconvenience to my family—so it wouldn’t interfere with my sister-in-law’s med school schedule. But now that it’s her turn, I’m barely included. There’s no acknowledgment of the sacrifices we made. No real consideration.

My husband has already talked to his mom multiple times, clearly and directly. But she continues to make herself the victim—while acting as the aggressor.

My therapist suggests I have a direct conversation with her myself. But honestly? I can’t muster much more than surface-level replies. I’m hesitant, guarded, and exhausted.

Is that wrong?

— Trying to Be the Bigger Person, Again

❤️ The Response

Whew. I felt every ounce of that.

The betrayal of someone using a joyful occasion as a stage to air out long-held grievances—that cuts deep. It’s not just surprising. It’s destabilizing.

Let’s name a few things clearly:

• What your mother-in-law did was inappropriate and disrespectful.

• You were put in a no-win situation.

Now imagine this was with someone else who had been hurt.
If they were emotionally mature, they would’ve brought it up calmly.
They’d make time to talk with you directly, express what hurt them, try to understand what happened, and figure out how to move forward so it doesn’t happen again.

That’s what healthy looks like.

And when you think about it that way, it becomes clear: the goal here wasn’t to connect or repair.
It was to blame, shame, and control the narrative.

Whether or not that was intentional—you’ll come to understand over time.
But chances are, this is part of a generational pattern. One where people weren’t taught how to express hurt, connect, or repair.
So instead, they bottle it up, stew on it, and unleash it when you least expect it—often followed by guilt-tripping or emotional power plays.

But that isn’t yours to fix.
Your job is to protect your peace.

And when you understand how the family system operates (and your priority to protect your peace)—you start to see that direct confrontation, though well-meaning, likely won’t land. (Your husband’s experience already showed you that.)

So instead, I’d offer you a different route—one you’ve already begun:
Pull back. Emotionally and physically.

That looks like:

• You stop sharing much about your life, your plans, or your feelings

• You stay polite, but keep replies short, neutral, and surface-level

• You limit how much time you spend with them

• And most importantly, you stop hoping they’ll handle your heart with care

These are called silent boundaries, and they are oh so powerful.

Energetically, they say: I’m not playing this game anymore.
(The game where they get to blame, twist, and center themselves—and you’re expected to stay soft and accommodating.)

And when you stop reacting, stop justifying, stop trying to be understood—something shifts.
Even if no one says anything out loud, the dynamic changes—without you even having to explain a thing.
That’s when the power shifts.

❤️ Reset Theory

🔄 Reset Moments

💬 Quote to Carry:
“Not every silence is empty. Some silences are full of clarity.”

🕯️ Tiny Ritual:
Before any interaction with them, place your hand on your heart and say:
“I can be kind without being wide open.”
Let that be your energy.

☕ Joy of the Week:
Leaving a family event early and going for a walk alone—with headphones in and your power intact.

Got a question for Reset Theory?
Submit your story by emailing [email protected] 
And remember—you don’t have to prove your goodness to people committed to misunderstanding it.

🫶🏽 Bina