How I Stopped Rewarding Bad Behavior (Without Being Petty)

I used to have a reflex: if something felt tense, I’d rush to make it comfortable again.
Even if the other person had created the problem — I’d still jump in to reassure, over-explain, smooth the edges, and make sure they walked away feeling okay.

It felt like “keeping the peace.” But really, I was protecting their comfort at the expense of my own.

Recently, two moments — one in a partnership, one at work — showed me just how much I’ve shifted… and how much I’m still unlearning.

The Last-Minute Change

We were partnering with another family to jointly hire someone to do some work for us. The other family made a last-minute decision (despite earlier attempts at coordination) that left us scrambling, paying more than planned, and putting the person we’d hired in a difficult position.

Old me would’ve smoothed things over with the person we were hiring (even though I wasn’t responsible), reassured the other family it was fine, and stayed overly accommodating to keep things “good” between us — even after a breach of trust.

New me? I didn’t jump to mediate. If things were awkward between the other parties, I let them be. I protected my time, energy, and boundaries, shared only what was necessary, and kept interactions polite but surface-level.

It wasn’t petty — just a clear decision that this wasn’t my mess to clean up.

The Quiet Undermining

A coworker recently brought concerns about my participation in a meeting to my manager instead of to me. It caught me off guard and felt like skipping basic collegial respect in favor of undermining me behind my back.

Old me would’ve confronted her in a reactive way and asked what she needed from me — over-functioning to fix something unclear. It’s on her to clarify, not on me to guess.

New me named the situation directly, gently highlighted the lack of professionalism, conveyed the impact, anchored in my leadership standard of clear communication, and stayed open to a conversation. I didn’t try to make her comfortable or smooth over the fact she was backtracking. I let her spin rather than making things okay.

I held the boundary without arguing and closed the loop with calm authority.

Here’s What I’ve Learned

Over-functioning — stepping in to fix, smooth, or carry more than is yours to carry — only rewards people for avoiding accountability and leaves you overextended.

Each time I pause, hold my ground, and let others manage their own mess, I protect my time, energy, and trust.

• Only handle what’s yours. You don’t need to repair their relationships, manage their logistics, or clean up a situation you didn’t create.

• Silence and discomfort aren’t emergencies. Awkward pauses or tense moments don’t need rescuing.

• Stay anchored to the original issue. Even if they avoid, lie, or never take accountability, keep gently steering back to the point so your message and boundaries are clear. Your success isn’t measured by their response — it’s that you made yourself clear and didn’t let the issue get buried.

• Once trust is broken, access changes. They don’t get the same benefits, flexibility, or level of coordination they had before.

I’m not perfect at this yet, but every time I choose to pause instead of fix, I feel a little lighter.

🔄 Reset Moment

📖 Journal Prompt
When was the last time you rushed to make someone comfortable at your own expense? What might you do differently next time?

🕯️ Tiny Ritual
Before a hard conversation, take three slow breaths and silently remind yourself: “I don’t need to fix this for them.”

☕ Small Joy
Treat yourself to your favorite mid-day drink after a conversation where you held your boundary.

See you next Sunday.
And remember—you can always start over.

🫶
Bina

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